Out of the Darkness: One woman testifies that hell’s fury is no match for God’s grace

Cheryl was a lost, impressionable, 14-year-old girl alone in her room the night she heard scratching in the attic, felt the whirling of wind around her, and saw blue lights flashing.  

Earlier that evening, she had gone to the movies to see “The Exorcist”. She was drawn to the power she had seen on the screen. And she wanted it. Deep in her heart, she wanted it. And she got what she wanted when one of those very scenes from the movie now played out in front of her.

But none of the natural sounds or sights she was experiencing could compare to the thing that scared her the most – the presence of Satan.

“His presence alone is defined clearly as the absence of God,” she said.

It wasn’t that she was raised to desire such things. By all appearances, she had it all together, she was part of a churchgoing family. But at the heart, her family was broken. Her father carried emotional pain, and her parents were not close – in fact, their relationship seemed to be nothing more than tolerating one another. The church they attended was a church in name only. The true gospel of Jesus Christ was never preached. Her understanding of the Christian life was nothing more than a list of “dos” and “don’ts”. In fact, it was one of her friends from that fellowship who invited her to see “The Exorcist.” And it was exposure to that movie that moved what was once a passing curiosity in the satanic realm to a full-fledged submission to its powers.

“I got the impression that Satan was stronger than God and I wanted that power,” she said.

At the time, she was doing well in school and was a successful competitive swimmer and diver and had a lot of potential. But that night, that experience, was a turning point in her life.

“At the onset, I was afraid that first week,” she said. “I liken it to a slave that has just been bought by a master that he doesn’t know. And now that I’ve been bought, it’s learning who this master really is.”

She never aligned herself with any formal occult group or practices. Rather, it was a gateway to deeper darkness. A fascination with dark movies and Ouija boards progressed to making connections that led her further on a downward spiral. 

“I was hungry for the dark side, hungry for those that sold drugs, and that’s what I gravitated to,” she said. “I earned my way into that crowd. From then on, I was like fresh meat on a butcher block.”

“Satan came in and took over,” she remembers, adding that it was demonic powers that “governed my life in ways to steal, kill, and destroy,” as God’s Word states in John 10:10.

Once she was in high school, Cheryl began to do harder drugs. She nearly died one night when she took “street stuff” that she didn’t realize until later was laced with strychnine. Rather than take her to the hospital, the people she was with instead dropped her off at her house in the early morning hours. She was covered in mud. She remembers walking into her family’s basement, where her mom and dad were waiting for her. Her dad, numb as he was, simply went to bed. Her mom was sick with worry over her daughter, but did not know how to handle what was going on in her life. There were no repercussions for her actions. So she continued her lifestyle, which continued to destroy her. She was raped three times – that she knows of. The effects of that would stay with her for many years.

A change of heart

Cheryl didn’t have direction from her family and friends on what to do after high school. It wasn’t until after graduation that her mom asked her what she wanted to do. So Cheryl decided for herself and chose to apply for airline school. Located in Pittsburgh, the program trained for various jobs in the travel industry. Her first attempt at the program, Cheryl flunked out due to her consuming drug addiction. She went back later to try again, though she still didn’t want to be there. But something was different this time – well, it was more someone.

“I heard her before I saw her,” Cheryl said. Amidst a room full of people, she heard a distinct, infectious laugh. And she was immediately drawn to her. Of course in her troubled mind at the time, she only viewed the girl through the lens of personal gain.

“Whatever she has, I want it,” she thought. “If I have to smoke it, inject it, swallow it – I want it.”

They began a friendship, and the girl, whose name was Julie, soon revealed that she was a Christian. She presented the gospel of Jesus Christ a few times with Cheryl over the course of several months.

“She just had a heart for her Lord,” Cheryl remembers. “But I wasn’t having any of it, and in anger said I had been to church and heard everything!”

And Cheryl continued in darkness. The pain of the rapes she had experienced had led her to entertain thoughts of suicide. She had no one to share the pain with except those who, too, were in darkness, and they only laughed at her, causing the pain to dig deeper. One night at a party that Cheryl attended with her sister, Cheryl had gone back to their room, so distraught, went into the bathroom, and sat on the toilet seat with razor blades in hand. Before she could do anything, however, her sister came into the bathroom, and shocked, asked Cheryl what she was doing.

“I can’t handle the pain,” was her simple response.

But the darkness was all she knew. At one point, she was even able to pull Julie down with her, getting her to attend a party with her. But afterwards, Cheryl found her friend standing outside of their campus, with tears streaming down her face, shaking her head, utterly heartbroken at having been there.

Cheryl couldn’t understand the problem. In her mind, the night was a success. The pot was good, no one overdosed, hard liquor was in abundance, and the cops never came. “This is as good as it gets,” she told her friend. But Julie just shook her head and ran into the woods. That’s when it dawned on Cheryl that Julie was different because of everything she had been talking with her about. She didn’t just talk about God – she had a relationship with Him, and she had upset Him with the decision she had made.

“It just pricked my conscience at that point,” Cheryl said, and she remembers thinking, “Wait, there’s a difference here that I certainly didn’t see from whom I was serving. Mine was out of fear, and hers was out of love.”

Three weeks later, Julie was talking with Cheryl again about God. They were in her car. This time, Cheryl was ready to listen.

“I remember bowing my head in her car and asking her clearly, ‘What do I have to do to be saved.’ I saw myself at that point, so dirty, so broken, so hopeless, and the sin that just carried me in so many directions to the point of suicide, I was not able to carry that anymore. She offered a way that I could be clean again and have a second chance.”

As soon as she prayed that sincere prayer of faith (Romans 10:9-10), she could feel a much different presence enter her life.

“The Holy Spirit came in right away and darkness left,” she said. “I remember opening my eyes and looking around, and I felt so pure and so clean inside. Lighthearted, so forgiven, so loved. I remember looking around at the trees and the grass. Everything in nature that I saw spoke clearly of His glory, and I just felt like I was embraced by a heavenly Father that loved me. I wept, somewhat confused, but filled with joy.” (2 Cor. 5:17)

The long journey

After that, Cheryl knew she was now a child of God. But the years ahead were far from easy. She still struggled with drugs, and it took a long time to overcome that addiction. She had few people she could talk to, to walk alongside her in this new journey, to help her understand the new nature that now indwelt her, to know what it meant to walk by faith and not by sight.

After school, she returned home and for a time went back to the life she had formerly known.

“I was so torn, but I was not being built up in Christ. Satan appeared to be winning.”

But God was also splashing Cheryl with glimmers of light in the darkness. Julie sent her letters, Christian record albums, and even a Bible at one point. Cheryl regrets that she had thrown all of those things away, because she was struggling so much with the drug effects at the time, on top of the spiritual battles that continued to plague her. She digressed to an unhealthy 102 pounds.

“Nobody knew what to do,” she remembers. And then Julie called and refused to give Cheryl a choice. She was going to fly to Pittsburgh, Cheryl was going to pick her up in her car, and they were driving back to Julie’s place in Chicago. While living there, Cheryl began attending a Christian fellowship with Julie.

At first, she said, “I was frightened, because the power of God’s presence in the assembly was just overwhelming for me. I would shudder at that presence.”

She protested, but Julie encouraged her to “stick it out.”

“And I stayed,” Cheryl said. “That’s where God in His providence would have me to grow in Christ and be willing to sit under His teaching and learn more about Him. Through that, it renewed my mind and gave me wisdom and understanding and discernment to make right choices and to heal.”

She soon met Michael, a strong believer, and they were married in 1979. They would go on to have three children.

After living the promiscuous life she had, she said she was grateful that the Lord kept her womb closed until marriage: “I marvel at God’s grace.”

Healing

The healing she experienced didn’t all come at once. Fourteen years into her marriage, Cheryl continued to be haunted by the faces of the men who had raped her. And then there came the moment when the Lord taught her a “valuable lesson.”

While she was attending a Christian event, the speaker announced that he came prepared to share about something else, but felt God wanted him to speak instead on forgiveness. After hearing that message, she was then on her way home when she heard Billy Graham on the radio, talking about the same thing, as well as providing practical steps on how to apply forgiveness to one’s life.

She knew this was “God’s timing to deal with it,” and that “God’s timing is always perfect.”

Reminded of Christ’s forgiveness in her own life, she was able to pass that forgiveness on to those who had sinned against her. “Taking that small step of faith in Christ opened the door to healing. From that point on, I never saw those faces again.”

Peaceful provision

Later in life, Cheryl’s dad developed Alzheimer’s. To this day, she is amazed at the love and patience her mom showed to him, especially in his final days. Cheryl began seeing her mom in a new way, remembering all of the times that she had expressed her love to her family, and how everyone loved her. How she never burdened others with the difficulties she surely endured. And Cheryl began wondering what made her mom different – if perhaps it was what had made her different too.

At one point, she asked her mom pointedly if she knew she was saved. And her mom responded that she couldn’t think of a time in her life when she didn’t love God.

“She was a simple person,” Cheryl says. “I know now she was definitely saved, I don’t have any shadow of a doubt.”

That her mom was securely in the Father’s hands was clear, especially late in life. After her dad’s death, Cheryl saw all the ways that God had orchestrated in his perfect timing the sale of their house and securing places for her to go, to be cared for so well – even after she too was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and eventually needed 24/7 care. Her caregivers loved her, and she loved them back.

“She had a sweet, peaceful way about her,” Cheryl said. “People just loved her. God was on her side, and He was sustaining her through everything.”

Even when she could no longer speak, her gentle demeanor drew people to her. Eight months later, COVID hit, and the family could not visit her at the retirement home where she was living. And then, when COVID restrictions began to lift, her mom contracted the virus. God once again provided her with a caregiver who was able to be with her around the clock.

Cheryl was standing in her kitchen one day when she felt the Holy Spirit clearly prompt her to visit her mom. It was in the middle of winter, and the drive was eight hours away. But she obeyed. She had to wear a gown, shield, and mask before entering her mom’s room. When she got there, her mom was sitting in her wheelchair, leaning slightly to the side. Though the disease had taken so much of her mom’s life, Cheryl longed for her mom to at least recognize her. And when their eyes connected, she knew that she did. But she also saw something else in her mom’s eyes, saying that she was finished. That this was her time her body was shutting down. It was the last time she would sit up in her chair.

For the days following, her mom’s room was full of visitors, some who sang songs for her. And one day, when Cheryl and her sister were there with her, again Cheryl sensed the Holy Spirit prompting her to go next to her mom. She called her sister over too, and then laid her hand on her mom’s heart. And she knew this was the time.

“The presence of the Lord was there,” Cheryl said, remembering the Scripture, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.”

“Without a doubt, I can say the Lord was there and took her home to be with Himself,” Cheryl said. “You almost wanted to sing and rejoice when she took her last breath. That’s how beautiful it was. So peaceful.”

It was Valentine’s Day. And there was no greater love that could be expressed than what Cheryl saw that day from their Savior.

“It was His presence that made it so sweet. It’s His promises. It was Him calling her to Himself.”

It is a presence that is in stark contrast to what Cheryl experienced on that dark day in her bedroom as a young teen. This presence is far from frightening. And it’s the reason why Cheryl, now at 63 years old, doesn’t fear the future, when she might be in the same position as her mom was.

“When I saw the tender care that the Lord had for mom in her old age…I don’t have to fear getting older, or dying.”

Looking back, pressing forward

Cheryl is one of those few people who can truly compare the depths of darkness to the heights of light in Christ.

“We’re so comfortable as believers, having [God’s] presence with us, and He promises to never leave us or forsake us. We have the Comforter living within us, and He is the one who teaches us truth. But to not have all that, to be governed by something apart from God, it’s very frightening.”

To those who may be drawn to the dark things like she once was, or perhaps those who are in those dark places now, she understands.

“It means they are searching for a greater power,” she said. “As God’s Word says in Luke 16:13, we can only serve one of two masters. Count the cost of either master’s objective.”

To those individuals, she says, “Pray first, ask the Lord to reveal Himself to you,” and then read the biblical account of Elijah and the prophets of Baal (1 Kings 18:17-39). There is only one God and one mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus (1 Timothy 2:5) who answers and blesses. And He resides in the light.

“Everybody’s journey is different, and everyone is seeking something different,” she said. “If you’re not seeking something, then you’re trying to cover up pain. There is a better way. There is a right way. There is absolute truth. Jesus says in John 14:6, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes unto the father, but by me.”

Cheryl can now see all of that in hindsight. She can see what the Lord has done in her life. To describe her testimony, she quotes Romans 9:23 – “…that he might make known the riches of his glory on the vessels of mercy…”

She is that vessel on which mercy has been bestowed and through which it shines. Her desire is that all would see the glory of God through what He’s done in her life, and turn to Him as well, for He alone is worthy.